Day 215

My house is almost clean.  Like its been scrubbed, mopped, vacuumed, windexed, cloroxed, and trash take out.  It feels amazing!  The weather here in Provo has been so amazing!  I've opened all the windows and let the breeze do its thing.  I feel like I'm spring cleaning my life as well.  In doing so ive found alot of things that used to make me happy that I gave up when I got married.  I don't know why I gave them up but I think it was because I felt like I had to please everyone else and I thought I needed to fit what everyone else thought I should be.  I gave up the music that made me me.  I'm starting to remember what makes me love me.  Like the music I listen to now is the same as before but its just the newer version.  I ADORE Simple Plan and I stopped listening to them.  Did you know they have like 2 newer albums out?!  Neither did I until I looked them up on iTunes.
So that made me think about every thing else that I "lost" when I got married.  Im not saying Lost in a bad way but when you get married you become a "We" or an "Us".  It takes time to figure out what your role is in the relationship.  ANYWAYS...
I rediscovered my love for band tshirts and comfy jeans.  Flip Flops. Fun summer dresses.  Parties in the park.  Dinner with friends.  Strawberries and salt.  Oreos and Peanut Butter.  Driving with the windows down and the radio off.  The clean smell of spring.  NOT waking up to an alarm.
The list could go on and on but Those are just a few!

Day 207

I hit 200 days!  Look at me do my thang!  Lol... Anyways.  I was thinking today about the past.  The people in it whom I miss and whom I dont miss.  And since I feel like I can tell you anything here it goes... In no particular order... Sean Carr, Mandy Allred, Amber Armstrong, Chelsey Badoni (now Ping), Isaiah Curtis, Katie Roberts, David Koch, Casey Snell, Andrew Jenkins, Donny Hilton, and Jessica Hart.  These people influenced my life in so many different ways and I miss them because they came into my life but never left my heart.  So if you know one of these people or are one of these people or have NO CLUE who these people are Im going to tell you who they are to me and what they mean to me.

Jessica Hart- She was one of my roommates in Provo, UT. She had the heart of a saint. But she did not put up with anyones BS. She was a straight shooter and that was all there was to it. I always knew I could get an honest answer from her and she and I had been through a few similar situations. We bonded over broken hearts and taking our lives back!

Donny Hilton- What oh what to say about Donny. He had the body of a God and was a genius but lacked street smarts. I could always count on Donny for a game of Halo. And I always kicked his trash when we played. Donny also took me fishing in the canyon in Provo. Donny, and his roommates Andrew and Casey, defended my honor when a certain douche bag tried to hurt me. For that I will always appreciate Donny, Casey, and Andrew. Donny also had to borrow a dress from me when he lost a bet. I still have the pictorial evidence.

Andrew Jenkins- Drew was the best. The only thing this boy was capable of making was a bowl of cereal. And because of that he ate at my apartment every day for almost a year straight. Drew was a brother to me.

Casey Snell- Casey was the suave ladies man that could do nothing to make me fall for him. I think thats why all those boys kept me around. I had nothing but Platonic feelings for them. I was unbreakable in their eyes. I had declared to Casey one night after staying up too late watching a sapy chick flick with him that I was NEVER going to fall in love and get married. He thought that was funny. I almost did too. Until my husband showed up. Casey predicted our relationship and was only happy for me to tell him he was right when the time came.

David Koch- My shopping partner in crime. You bought me my m&m necklace that I still have in my jewelry box. You made living at Raintree so much sweeter. And David introduced me to my husband! Thanks David!

Katie Roberts- Katie got me through Hair School. She made me think. She helped me find the goofy dorky girl that was just DYING to get out and dance! Katie was also the person who did my hair for me all through school and she pushed me to try new things.

Isaiah Curtis- There is alot to be said about our friendship. But its just better left unsaid.

Chelsey Ping- Weve been through hell together. And thats what friends should always do. Be there for eachother through everything.

Mandy Allred- Babe you and me have been friends for YEARS. Hell we used to be mistaken for eachother. PEOPLE THOUGHT WE WERE TWINS! I miss you terribly!

Sean Carr- You taught me so much about myself that I dont know if I was ready for it. You are my friend still to this day. You are missed.

Amber Armstrong- Youre my sister! Youre my BFF. Youre the girl who was my friend when the "snob squad" picked on me and threatened me. You werent afraid of standing out from the crowd. Your son is the LUCKIEST little boy to have you as his mom. Amber, I love you and I miss you!

Now to leave you with a little piece of my history in a song...

"Number One"

I saw my boyfriend hanging with this girl that I hate

He didn't have to tell me why last night he was late

I can't believe what you tell me

Your lies have come undone

Now I'm living on the run looking out for number one

I took a ride to the city

Had to get out of this place

I just can't stand the pity

When the tears fall down my face

I used to think it was over

But its only just begun

Now I'm living on the run looking out for number one

One day you'll see me but only when your dreaming

One day you'll say I was the one

I hitched a ride on a Greyhound stashed away on a train

Bought a ticket for the subway

Playin' guitar in the rain

I want to follow Rivers to an island in the sun

Now I'm living on the run looking out for number one

One day you'll see me but only when your dreaming

One day you'll say I was the one

Late at night trying to fight

I just might think about him

Right now I'm feeling fine

I'm better off without him ya!

One day you'll see me but only when your dreaming

One day you'll say I was the one

I know that one day you'll see me

I'll haunt you when your dreaming

One day you'll say I was the one

I'm number one

Day 198...

So at my new job I create new accounts for VIVINT.  I talk on the phone all day to sales reps and techs.  I get really irritated with them and sometimes have to get up from my cozy desk and walk away.  They get so cranky when our programs take too long to load or when I refuse to pass a survey because they lied.  Im over it.  So then the other day Dan, my supervisor said JORDAN Ive got a new job for you.  I was excited because this one was getting old.  Turns our hes making me a team lead AKA I dont have to take phone calls for 90% of my day!  Hooooooray!

In other news... Well... Theres none... :)

Day 188

Look at the world around you.  What do you see?  Want to know what I see?  To the exact left of the key board there's a  BYU notebook and a box of Muddy Bears... Traces left from a late night of studying.  To the right is my favorite Victoria's Secret lotion.  Then on the abstract book case next to that is our eclectic DVD collection and a few nick knacks   Then there's the window that Jack likes to spend his time sleeping in.  Then the ugly chair I couldn't leave DI without buying and the UGLY couch Payne couldn't leave Savers without.  Then there's the "Over the door Organizer" for our shoes that I NEVER seem to put my shoes back on.  (That drives Payne crazy but not as crazy as me NEVER hanging my towel up)  Then there's the kitchen where I cook and Payne cleans.  A deal we made the day we were married.  I would do 90% cooking and 10% dishes if he did 90% dishes and took me out to eat when it was his turn for the 10% cooking.  If you look on our walls you'll see pictures of us from our wedding, the wedding certificates, and random quotes about love.  I think about what life would be without my Payne.  How lonely it would be.  He drives me absolutely insane but THATS WHY I LOVE HIM.  I love you Payne.  I love you more in this moment than I ever thought I could the day we promised eternity.  And it gets bigger everyday...

Day 187

Only 178 more days to go of this experiment. And yet today I find myself staring into darkness. Its not something I willingly talk about but yet I feel the need to. I dont know how to exactly how to come out and say it but you may understand after reading this post.

Today was my day off. It was a day filled with errands, chores, meals to make, and friends to see. But I woke up sick to my stomach. Not really able to pinpoint what was the culprit I stayed in bed while Payne ran to the dollar store to pick up some Saltines and some bleach spray. (To make me feel better and for part of my chores.) Then he was off to work. After that things start to go dark and dreary. You see I never really fully got out of bed today. Didnt take a shower. Still in my pajamas now. Counting the minutes till I can reasonably say Im going to bed. Because tomorrows another day and theres plenty of people out there waiting for me to do my thing so they can do theirs. People depending on me. And because I am a people pleaser I do it. I get up and do the things everyone else wants me to do. Sure Ill work a few extra hours. Sure Ill clean even though Im exhausted. Sure Ill get up two hours early just to make sure I do everything everyone else needs done. Im not a mom but I feel the burdens already. Run people here. Pick up something there. Go to work but worry about the Husband. Did the cat get fed today??

Its exhausting.

I know everyone goes through it. But I'm just letting you know that if you read that Facebook status dont make it about you. It isnt. Its simply stating how I feel about life in general. If I dont answer my phone its because I really don't want to talk to you or listen to you tell me about a disappointment. If I dont text you back right away its because im asleep or not in the mood. If I blow off our plans its because of ME not YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stop trying to guilt me into everything. I constantly feel belittled...

So I think I'll go to bed now