Reflection

I know that it has been too long since Ive logged in and wrote about our life here in Dallas.  But tonight I dont want to talk about right now.  I want to talk about the past.  Ive been so morose recently that maybe typing it out will allow me to get past everything I am feeling.  SO here it goes.

When I was 16 years old I discovered pop punk, punk, emo, screamo, and a lot of other genres of music.  Good Charlotte, Matchbook Romance, AFI, Cute is what we aim for, Blink 182, and Hawthorne Heights truly understood my angst.  Yet there was nothing at home to be angsty about... And that was enough to be angsty about.  I didnt have a boyfriend, I was a weirdo, and I was the DUFF of my friends.  (Designated Ugly Fat Friend)  I was nice, blonde, and an outcast.  I wanted to know about the heartbreak they were singing about.  I had crushes but I was so scared to talk to boys.  SPOILER ALERT I didnt even have my first kiss till I was 17.

There were other things to be worried about.  I was bullied.  The mean girls hated me and I had no idea why.  I would get notes in my locker that said horrific awful things.  They threatened my life.  I wanted to die.  Why?!  Why did they have to be mean?  I would cry at night.  I would lay on the floor of my bedroom and stare at the glow in the dark stars on my ceiling and blast "Hold On" by Good Charlotte.  It was the only thing that kept me from taking a flying leap into destroying myself.  I would repeat these lyrics to myself...
"This pain you cannot bear

But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through

Hold on, if you feel like letting go
Hold on, it gets better than you know

Your days, you say they're way too long
And your nights, you can't sleep at all
Hold on
And you're not sure what you're waiting for
But you don't want to know more
You're not sure what you're looking for
But you don't want to know more"

I even had them printed out and hanging in my locker.  

Fast forward to senior year.  I had a job at Hot Topic and I loved it. I had a few good friends.  I drove a Mustang.  I started dating and things got so weird.  I liked this guy in my AP Gov class a lot and I found out he was kind of into me too.  But high school sucks and his friends didnt like me so we were only a thing for a few minutes.  His stupid friends were sending my awful disgusting texts and it hurt so bad.  And then that spring break he popped back up on my radar.  We spend one long night talking out at the river.  I still sometimes think back to that talk... And the talks weve had since.  We were always better as friends but sometimes you wonder what if.  And then the guy I had been friends with for two years asked (and who I had a BIG crush on) asked me to prom.  And he ruined one of my favorite songs in the process.  I wouldnt realize that till later on.  We went to prom and it was great.  I dont remember much of the dance.  I remember the talk we had after.  I went to sleep that night on cloud 9.  I woke up the next morning and suddenly it was graduation.  It came and went.  Nothing to really talk about there.  I walked with my best friend and we went to the all night party.  

That summer is a whole other blog post.  In fact each of those events are worthy of their own post...